Well Don't You Have a DVD player or Something? - The Plight of the 21st Century Thief
Quick Links: Rant in Our Forums - With the rejection of Tony Martins Parole for not admitting he is sorry for shooting a burglar the entire nation has been thrown into disarray. Frankly , and it is a pitiful state of affairs , their are thieves and carjackers , rapists and child molesters who are concerned that they will not be allowed to get away Scot free with whatever they damn well like. Fortunately like a criminals wet dream the "new Labour , new vision for Britain" party have taken up the call to arms and we at Just Ram it can exclusively reveal details of a forthcoming white paper and the stringent recommendations it makes to ensure scumbag safety. As you are most likely aware we are building something of a reputation for high level scoops and this new piece is no exception. The edited highlights follow :- Rape - The new laws will center on two main areas in this particularly heinous crime. These will be the question of Physical Provocation Mental Provocation The following will apply. Any women deemed to have been Physically Provocative in her appearance will not have been raped. Anything outside of metal plated clothing is considered provocative as the female in question will not have taken the required modesty protection measures. Being Mentally provocative will include all those females who are conscious at the time of the "alleged" assault , anything less than a coma is considered to be "leading a chap on" Drugs such as Alcohol or sedatives will be referred to as "the ladies choice" Date rape - From The 1st of November any woman accepting any of the following will also be legally bound to endure forced sodomy. "a meal" "a Movie" "a quick drink after work" "my Pay and display ticket which still has an hour left on it" Spouse Rape / Male Rape - Officially will not exist once the bill is passed , simply confirming in law what is already quite clear. Any female passing the above criteria will be subjected to a dehumanizing physical exam , ribald, often threatening remarks from investigating officers and public humiliation until such time as she comes to her senses and drops all charges. NB - All HGV drivers exempt from possible criminal charges, it's a lonely life on the road. Shoplifting. - Term "shoplifting" to be banned due to negative connotations. To be replaced with "High Initiative based Borrowing." Anyone apprehended suspected of Shoplifting is released upon the claim that they - "didn't fucking do nuffin" All police officers will be intensively retrained to treat this matter with barely a second glance , unless it is enough to see them through to knocking off time if they spin it out. All charges will be dropped upon appearance of burly tattooed father / foul mouthed matriarch. Kidnapping - All cases of kidnapping will be judged solely on the relative stature and level of celebrity of the parents. invites to see "puppies" to no longer be considered inflammatory. Any kidnap victim not found within three weeks to be considered non newsworthy until such a time as a tragic shallow grave is found , preferably in idyllic countryside so we all get a few days out in the sticks. Deadline on hysterical media coverage - 1 week or next time Beckham changes his hairdo , whichever occurs first. GBH. All victims to be given the legal right to answer the question "you had enough you cunt?" Students to be across the board classed as deserving it. Looking at bird / spilling pint to be reclassified as valid provocation, as is "being lippy". all defendants allowed one use of the "he's a wanker" gambit. Any alleged victims , name , address , photograph and full personal details to be passed to defendant along with his/her choice of broken pint glass / bit of metal chair leg. All victims will be counseled by specially trained "get over it you puff" advisors. In the case of rebattering , said victim will be mocked and pointed at by on scene officers. Child Pornography All those suspected to have accessed hardcore child pornography , or those subject to unfounded gossip column rumors will be sentenced to five years of being spat at by unemployed child slapping scumbags and media defamation. Upon being found totally innocent of these charges , the law enforcement and media agencies agree to continue intrusive investigations on said individual until such time as they can Nail the bastard for something. All such charges bought against those in the Police force , National health Service , armed Forces , Media and Politics will be dropped at once and swept under the carpet with the biggest fuck off broom you have ever seen. Home invasion Fraud. Due to recent flooding of the market , Bogus gas man preying on pensioners to be considered "old hat" All battered pensioners will have their faces , covered in lacerations and contusions , displayed on local news for the middle class to express their "that's terrible" feelings. Plucky , Have-a-go and feisty hero to be replaced with the more accurate terms - on death bed and unlikely to ever really come back as you once knew him Sheila , ok switch it off ......... Being Gullible to be officially added to the crime list as will keeping all you money under the mattress. Burglary. All home owners to be sure to not hurt raiders feelings , especially by shooting them with unlicensed firearms or smacking them in the head with ornaments. all house alarms to be set to silent because some people are trying to get some sleep. upon hearing a suspicious noise all male homeowners are encouraged to lie stock still until the hissing of their terrified wife forces them to get up , fumble for their glasses and get knifed in the dark. All homeowners to be told that violent crime is actually very rare , your calls do count and if you move another inch they will get there tits slashed. Armed Robbery All staff to be trained in doing as they are told , and fantasizing that they are in a Tarantino movie. All security guards over 50 legally bound to try something stupid and get their heads stoved in , then slip into a coma from which they will not recover , unless it is to grasp the hand of their son and tell him to revenge their deaths. All Armed robberies to be carried out by either , fat bald guys or hysterical skinny blokes. Armed robbery to be decriminalized as, they only kill their own you know, and all live in Spain. Thank the lord for the law. Lighter sentences mean less anguish and more opportunity for rehabilitation or possibly reoffending after doing 18 months in a criminal finishing school. you know it makes sense.
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