Its Not on My CV for a Damn Good Reason
Quick Links: Rant in Our Forums - I am very very Lazy.... Add to this the fact that I am totally unfit and drink too much , smoke too much and eat crap incessantly then you can mentally imagine possibly the most unsuitable person to rope into two days of furniture removal since Douglas Bader barrel rolled off this mortal coil. So it was with Considerable surprise that I found that this was exactly what was required of me earlier in the week. What started out as a quick trip to pick up some furniture turned into a 20 hour nightmare that's left me virtually crippled and unable to look at a Pod Desk without screaming hysterically. So standing in the rain with a brutal hangover I wait to be collected and they are late , which really just burns me up. And when they arrive at the rent a van place they bring us over this enormous 7.5 tonne chariot of pure certain death which has no seat belts in it because apparently "the law doesn't enforce them " . Well excuse me but with a maniac at the wheel and a 600 mile round trip in front of us I would kind of like a seat belt or preferably a lift back home right fucking now - if that makes me a coward , paint me bright yellow and call me custard. So we set off - the loony at the wheel and someone I have never met all crammed in to a tiny cab - nothing I like finer than awkward conversations with strangers while I cringe at oncoming traffic and plain dumb "I used to drive HGV's " overtaking moves. Added to which the proposed quick jaunt turns into a six hour plus head crunching grind down either packed motorway or totally unsuitable country lanes and all is rosy in the garden of Styx. But I bore all this with my usual good grace and spent my time pondering whether it is just the Environment of a white truck that turns people into Right wing Bigots or have they always been signed up members of the Humberside Nazi party and if so what are the dues spent on? We arrive at our destination 2 and a half hours late and finally see the proposed furniture that needs collecting. Now it's important to bear in mind here that at least two of us on this journey had been assured more than once it would take about an hour or so to shift it. How we laughed and how my knees buckled when we realised someone had been lying. Two Full bastard floors of enormous office space, jam packed with metal based desks , sheet metal wall boards - thousands of chairs and more oh so much more. For a nice special touch all the stairwells were nice and tight with no lift , and the architect had obviously designed the whole place to resemble hobbiton as anything larger that a cup of coffee could not be carried down a corridor without a series of twists , turns , bitter weeping and red faced cursing. At least By me. It's here we reach the vital crux of the matter - i don't lift anything heavier than my fattest cat - I get out of breath tying my shoelaces and get a sweat on rolling out of bed - I am not proud of these things but I am honest. I have nothing against the wonderful men (and women) who do removals and heavy lifting as a living . its exactly what I like to see , burdensome objects being moved and carried by people other than me. I applaud them and will even pay them handsomely for their skills. I am in total awe of people with the spatial awareness and logical analysis to work out how to get a sofa down stairs without getting it stuck in a door jamb. But I was not with these kind of people - instead I was with office people , those who make their paltry livings behind a desk , so now of course we have to enter the "who is the strongest , show no weakness" round of macho posturing that inevitably occurs when male acquaintances get together to do a piece of manual labour. Women , how lucky you are , will have very little experience of this. But it occurs all the time - you can see groups of pasty malnourished guys, sweating and speaking in short brusque monosyllables to each other as they make a total mess of a job they are clearly not qualified to do. But under no circumstances will they back down because unless you can dead lift this unwieldy filing cabinet on your own then your not a real man. Yeah yeah Fucking Yeah, and your brief moment of Macho glory is swiftly overshadowed by the fact, you go back home and have to get your wife to fit an emergency industrial strength truss because you are too stupid to accept a hand from someone else. Anyway I digress , the point was we all had to become superhuman furniture lifters for the Five Hours that it took to load the vehicle. Five Hours , five friggin hours , added to which about halfway through due to the total incompetence of someone else I had a huge metal table dropped on to my left hand resulting in some fruity language and heavily bruised fingers. Was this a signal for me to stop? No of course not , it wasn't smashed into a pulp so I was swiftly dragged back on to the testosterone madness treadmill and lifting fucking chairs again. Top all this with another 5 hour drive home and I arrived back full of the Joys of hell ass spring at one in the morning. Then was up at 6.30 to unload it all - walking like Steptoe and covered in more bruises than David Pelzer , the proposed "about an Hour" turned in to 3 and a bastard half. So to cut a painful story short - and by short I mean "not short" , fucking heavy lifting and everyone involved in this nightmare trip can Ram It. I am quite happy to admit I am a weak dress wearing pansy in a summer hat if it means I never have to carry another object heavier than a pint glass as long as I live. Pass me my makeup and Alice band I'm having a good sit down while you real men give yourselves unsightly sweat patches and shredded ligaments, and when they wheel you into Casualty in Traction I will toast you with a white wine spritzer. Whose the Idiot now? wankers Ram It
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