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The process of selecting the jury for the Diana, Princess of Wales inquest is set to begin.
Up to 200 potential jurors have been summoned to the Royal Courts of Justice in London, ahead of the long-awaited start to the case next week.
Between seven and 11 of these ordinary members of the public will be tasked with deciding once and for all how one of the world's most famous women died.
The inquest is finally beginning in full on October 2 - more than 10 years after Diana and Dodi Fayed were killed in a car crash in Paris.
Coroner Lord Justice Scott Baker will issue each of the possible candidates with a list of questions, designed to determine whether they have any prejudices or connections which might rule them out of sitting on the case.
Other eligibility issues relate to factors such as prison sentences and mental health disorders.
Right.
Obviously in a situation such as this the first place that the movers and shakers are going to come is to a fictional Luncheon meat firm, made up by a tiresome fat ass, as a gimmick to bore people with on his fast fading crappy rants bored, that isn't funny these days.
So when we got the call at HoS, Perkins nearly had a massive coronary because it's the first time the telephones have rung in months and we were snoozing.
But, some talents you don't just lose over night...it's like riding a bike or flaying an infant, so of course we were approached first to draft the questions that would be used to ensure the right level of hopelessly twee conspiracy theorists are given the chance to waste the tax payers money with months of pointless deliberation.
The fact that our effort was rejected, i believe is indicative of both the fall of Mankind and the fact i am making all this up.
Even so....we have decided to convene our own JRI jury to mull over the events of that dark night and come to a verdict about what really happened when a car crashed.
So...if you wish to be considered, please post your answers to the following in-depth psychological profile and we can weed out the loonies.
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Did Diana die in a Teleportation accident involving the Baby Jesus and that woman who is ugly and looks like a horse. - The Questionnaire.
1 - Are you an insensitive xenophobic bald Greek man called Phil?
2 - What would you say is a bigger threat to your community?
a - A feral pack of flesh eating, rabies raddled, angry Baboons with automatic weapons on the run from a high security laboratory, who haven't had their dinner..
b - The Polish Family who moved in next door last week.
3 - Are you in a ceaseless hysterical panic about falling house prices?
4 - Do you secretly believe that Black people cannot read and sacrifice their children in depraved voodoo rituals?
5 -Which phrase Best describes Richard Littlejohn.
A - A shit-eyed talentless scum bag with the morals of a drunk, pilled up sex offender accidentally marooned on a desert island with a gaggle of pubescent school girls in just their pants.
B – A piss drinking cum splat, who protests a wee bit too much regarding uphill gardening and pours out tiresome flatulent prejudiced misinformed horse cock, yet somehow manages to make whisk intellect dipshits, in mid range Estate cars think he is tapping into some Zeitgeist from 1956.
C – A wise man who speaks for all of us..especially about the threat that blacks and pooves represent to our way of life with their thick lips and Aids.
6 -If you tilt your head to the side do portions of your brain pour out your ears in the form of brackish grey lumpy fluid with the consistency of dying cooling sperm?
7 - Do you generally live your life vicariously through scare stories in the national media, for example have you wept openly about the abduction of Madeline McCann at a pretentious dinner party, totally oblivious to the fact your own teenage children are hacking away at themselves with Bics and huff paint thinners, because they are utterly hollow and lost inside and hate the flowery borders on all your ugly wall paper?
8 -Do you own a commemorative plate of any kind, that you purchased from a Sunday supplement after filling in that little coupon thing, cutting it out and putting it in the post. ?
9 - Is your name Michael and have you ever shinned up the Queens drainpipe for a lark.?
10 - Whilst reading this questionnaire have you at any stage peeked out the net curtains to check for gangs of marauding Polish...again?
11 - Do you have a UK passport...if not do you want one, if so, are you a balding crackpot midget spiv, with a constant insatiable thirst for talking ludicrous bollocks in public, in-between being a greedy, grasping high end grocer who hangs about in Fulham?
12 - Despite holidaying there, enjoying their food, wine, art and culture, do you still hold laughable clichéd idiotic views regarding the French...Do you stupidly believe they are rude and surly and arrogant, don't wash and can't drive, all because when you insisted on being an embarrassing braying fucking jackass in a Bistro once, the waiter refused to genuflect at your colonial brogues and rank fuckwittery and spat in your main course behind your back?
13 - Do you consider wearing free frocks, sitting cross legged on benches, having your hair done, peering out from under your fringe and repeatedly sleeping with married men and hounding them with nuisance calls, to be incredibly hard work actually?
14 - Are your lips moving as you read this sentence?
15 - Do you consider Brothers in Arms by Dire Straits to be a high watermark in Musical history?
16 - Are you a posh woman called Liz who enjoys wearing head scarves, driving a Land rover and watching wooden, over polite men in formal wear picking up the shite your small dogs leave all over the shop?
17 - Is your Father clearly James Hewitt, but you have to deny this despite the fact you are a ginger arse, because to admit it would mean that your Mother was a two faced whining self publicist and rank hypocrite?
18 - Should a drunk, depressed man take the wheel of a high powered car, and proceed to drive hastily through dark city streets whilst being pursued by hyena like men on scooters flashing incredibly powerful torches, which of the following do you think is most likely to occur?
A – He loses control of the car in a narrow underpass and slams into a concrete column killing himself and the passengers
B – A sinister cabal made up of a jug eared vegetarian who talks to plants and wears wax jackets , Israeli security forces, MI5, the SAS, Hale and Pace, the CIA and Avon off Blake's Seven used special hi-tech laser weaponry to assassinate the driver.
All because the woman in the back of the car was about to cause hundreds of years of constitutional monarchy and tradition to collapse in a heap.
She would have achieved this total seismic upheaval of the very fabric of our society by wanking off a bloke with a yacht and heavy tan, listening to Duran Duran, throwing herself downstairs like a petulant child and being photographed sunbathing or going to the gym.
19 - When faced with the news that someone you have never ever met, has died do you express a vaguely indifferent sentiment that it's a bit of a shame...or take a week off work to go at once to London and busy yourself writing facile poems in remembrance books that are so inept and embarrassing the bloke who works for Hallmark would vomit his spleen up?
20 - Would you get a bit narked about the rather melodramatic,over the top blanket television coverage of the death, or would you sleep in the streets and harangue any passing television crew with your insane notions that because, you have totally lost your mind and need electroshock therapy and a fucking kicking, that the people who have just seen a family member die should be doing exactly what you say despite the fact you are an idiot and it's none of your business?
21 - Would you still, to this day, be rather bemused as to why every year we have to get all upset about the fact that a woman with a ridiculously lavish indolent lifestyle who liked Phil Collins, died a decade ago, just because she put on a designer khaki suit once and hung about with some Black cripples before making a clumsy inappropriate pass at David Ginola.
Or would you hoard piles of yellowing tribute newspapers and weep every time you have too much wine about how she was “so young...the boys i feel for..the boys....” and obsessively keep trying to get in the audience on Question Time to talk maudlin babbling rubbish, even though you failed to shed a tear when your own Father died from Prostate cancer and your daughter attempted suicide?
22 - Are you Jenny Bond?
23 - Do you consider this post to be rushed and rather poorly thought out and a bit heavy handed, frankly?
Tie Breaker – Please finish this sentence in the way you see most fit.
“it seemed to me you lived your life like a .......”
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