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As some of you may know, I work for a Mobile phone company. Obviously, in my working environment, I am constantly exposed to various ringtones and it is a major source of aggravation driving me to distraction and almost to the point of committing 1st degree murder at times. So here are the top 3 irritating things to do with ringtones:
1.The ‘Nokia ringtone’ - The 13 note destruction of Francisco Tarrega's masterpiece, ‘Gran Vals’. This was the ringtone that rose to the heady heights of being one of the most annoying sounds known to man. Constantly heard in libraries and on public transport, this is the sound that was the pre-cursor to hearing one side of a rather dull conversation at 110db. Tarrega was a 19th-century Spanish musician widely considered to be the father of the modern classical guitar. – although now he could be considered the father of the loud-mouthed buffoon on the train, the one that still thinks that having a mobile phone is some sort of status symbol. Listen up sonny, we are not impressed, we’ve all got phones now. Kindly get over yourself, sit down, and shut up you cretinous prick. Here at least there was hope. After Dom Joly lampooned the irritating ringtone on TV, it started to go into decline. Occasionally these days someone with the polyphonic version pops up - thinking they are being ironic, but these are idiots and should be given short shrift and laughed at. Please Note: People are laughing AT you and not WITH you. Change your ringtone you vacuous turd.
2.Trying out your ringtones in a public place – OK, you’ve bought your new Sony Erricson Samsung Nokia XP1254-PR1CK or whatever. The one with the camera, MP3 player and centre-turning lathe, and you want to change the ringtone. Fine, I have no problem with that, but please do not try them all out at maximum volume in the office, the pub, the cinema or on the train. Hearing just one of your ringtones is enough to lead to a sustained and brutal physical attack from me. Imagine what hearing all of them one after the other is going to get you. Go home, lock yourself in the bathroom and fiddle to your heart’s content. It’s like wanking; we all do it but not in public please!
3.The ‘Crazy Frog’ – I thought that the Nokia ringtone was bad until this one arrived. You have all seen and heard it. It’s advertised on the TV every 2 minutes. The one with a strange looking animated frog, wearing goggles and a helmet, and with very deformed looking genitalia! The ringtone itself is way beyond irritating. It is the sound of someone imitating a 2-stroke moped in an annoying high-pitched voice. It drills into your skull and makes you want to chew your hand off in rage. It had actually been doing the rounds on the web in one form or another for several years. But recently a ringtone company picked up on it, and the advertising started. Now hardly a day goes by without some tedious little twat that has just discovered it, playing it to his friends and thinking that he is on the cutting edge of mobile-based humour. These are the sort of people that think that they are ‘wacky’ and ‘zany’, real party-people. Personally I consider them immature cunts. The next person that I hear with that ringtone is going to cleaning their own excrement out of the keypad after it has been retrieved the deepest recesses of their intestines. To make matters worse that fat bastard Chris Moyles is playing a dance mix of it on his puerile Radio 1 breakfast show. Will this horror ever end? For those of you that want to know where this God awful noise came from and want to do something about it then I suggest you get in touch with a certain Daniel Malmedahl, of Gothenburg in Sweden. This is the bastard that recorded the sound and he has more sounds to offer. I urge someone to take action before he can wreak more aural abuse on the nation.
Childish, irritating ringtones, the feckless morons that use them, but especially the 'Crazy Frog' can just Ram it!
I have a hammer and I'm coming for you all.
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