Does My Dick Look Big In This?
Quick Links: Rant in Our Forums - With Thanks to Lady ice...... What started as a simple messenger chat took some surprising turns, especially the Speculation as to if Jesus was well hung, and if holes in his hands gave him masturbation options, or if he just purchased the Mary Magdalene Lifelike plastic moulded Pussy like everyone else. ------------------------------------------ Does My Dick Look Big in this.? --------------------------------- "why is it when a women wants to insult a man the worst thing she can think of is to Impune his Cocksmanship" - William Holden in Network. ---------------------------------- Well, I have been pondering this subject for a goodly while and finally I have decided to Break Ranks and let the truth be told. I fully expect to get the knock on the door from the Male HQ storm troopers at anytime now , I don't care....there is a strict code of confidentiality when you sign up, I know that, but it's 3am, I have a half pack of Camels and 2/3 rds of a bottle of absolut and I'm throwing caution to the wind, and damn the consequences. Hell...I feel like Henry Hill turning States evidence. Now...it's a simple fact that 99% of people in the world are absolute idiots. Utterly clueless , selfish , abject idiots without enough sense to think there way out of a lavatory cubicle. They are everywhere , jabbering and making painfully dull Smalltalk, cluttering the place up, making it look untidy and generally getting in my way. I have said it many times, in many ways, and with without going all Nat King Cole here, it's worth repeating.....every morning you should get up, look in the mirror and say, "I am a moron", a hundred times. Embrace the cretin you are. But given that, for all the stupid women in the world, and there are plenty, your ignorance and mouth breathing ways are dwarfed by the singular petty-minded stupidity of Men. I don't mean Particular men, or famous men or even Men you know. We are one huge heaving, sweating mass of insecurity and testosterone. And we are obsessed with one thing and one thing only. Not Sex, or Sport, or Fast cars. Not Alcohol or Barbiturates or wearing too much aftershave and fighting in the street. Or anything else for that matter, these are all distraction from the central theme that runs through our Psyche. You know those fatuous Women's Magazine articles entitled stupid things like "25 things you should know about men", where some addled hack who had too much wine at lunch pisses away a Friday Deadline rambling out Clichés and horseshit in order to sell Issues. Stop Buying them..they are irrelevant....I am here to tell you the ONLY thing you will ever need to know about men. The One Thing that Binds all men together is a constant Obsession with the size of their Genitals. That is the plain and simple truth, sure they may hide it beneath a series of elaborate disguises and postures, but it's just an Act. ----------------------------------------------------------- "Yeah....I build Model Aircraft as a hobby, and I do work for Charity and I worry day and night about the size of my Knob" "as secretary General of the United Nations I am always very busy , looking into group policy issues and claims of Human rights abuses and hanging clock weights from my Foreskin" "As the Singer in a world Famous Rock band I am making a shed load of fast Cash and am a figure of adoration and near Promethean status for millions , actually I think you are looking at it from the wrong angle" "I'd like to thank my Mother and Father for Believing in me enough to allow me to attend acting lessons in the first place , this Oscar is the pinnacle of my Career to date....actually it's cold in here...and I just went for a swim...it's not really representative." -------------------------------------------------------------- Now, of course there will be two types of Guy out there. One, will be frantically reaching for the phone to tell HQ that that Fool George has let the cat out of the bag. Or there will be the one's who sneer....rubbish I have a huge weapon. That's the joy of the internet isn't it, I've noticed that a vast majority of males who post on Forums are all sexually confident , very well endowed heterosexuals with no concerns whatsoever that they may not be "up to the Mark". Strange that the pastime of Posting should attract such a diverse mix of Men from all walks of life who seem to share only one thing in common , and that is Big tackle. Of course it's not like anyone is lying is it. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Basically the only reason that most men are having sex is because we cling like a limpet on the hull of a liner, to the often Quoted Phrase , "size doesn't matter". This short phrase is the key to the continuing function of Society as we know it....If the door gets blown off that baby, well it's game over and will the last one out switch off the lights. If just once a female turned round and said, "Don't be so stupid, of course it matters....".....I shudder to think of the prospective fall out, you think men are whiny selfish assholes now....you haven't seen a damn thing. This also explains why your partner/Boyfriend/Husband is Obsessed over who you went out with before. Now they may approach it with varying tacks...or delicately posed questions but all they want to know is "which one of them had a big Cock". ----------------------------------------------------------------- "so that ended badly, that's a shame....why did you split up". Translation - "please please tell me it's because he had a cashew in his pants" "so what age did you lose your Virginity" Translation - "was his bigger than mine?" "how many guys did you sleep with in your Wild college days?" Translation - "if just one of them was well hung I'm outta here" ------------------------------------------------------------------ That's all we want to know, really, we couldn't care less if the fucker Dumped you on Valentines day and broke your heart, Was He some John Holmes Son Of a Bitch or not. Of course, any women who has been in a relationship will have faced the inevitable gentle Inquiry regarding what they think to Current Beaus Endowment. Now here's a tip, obviously we don't want you to start Sniggering and Asking "is it in yet". Or Any other similar crushing remarks. But we also don't want to hear. "it's fine". - fine....fine???? "its enough for me " - Oh so your saying it might not be good enough for another women "I'm satisfied"....I don't care...who cares if your satisfied, we aren't going to be together forever love, don't be so naive, I need to know I have a future in this game. The only answer that is going to satisfy your worried lover is something along the lines of. "oh my God I have never seen such a gargantuan monster, it's length is breathtaking but it's mighty girth practically tore me in half, and the throbbing head....I will be walking bandy for days." Oh and do try not to smirk either. ----------------------------------------------------------- Now we come to the worrying self deluding aspect of the whole affair. And this is where the Honesty shoes really come into play. For example, almost everyone gets that Spam E-mail that offers penis enlargements and Viagra and Pigs fat pumped into your veins to provide a boost in width. Of course after a while you just delete it, but why do you think it is so widespread. Because it Works. There is not a Man in the world, who the first time one of those landed in his in-box didn't instantly react with.... "holy shit....how did they find out?" And started Racking their brains for what they have done where, on the internet, or worrying if there Partner has been revealing a little too much in MSN chatrooms again. "did I really visit small2modestwhang.com when I was pissed....Dear God, they tracked my Cookies, the Whole World Knows!" Also there is not a guy who hasn't , however casually, browsed the Internet for such sure fire methods as ,"free Penile enlargement exercises". Where some maniac describes in a series of Lurid illustrations, a "simple effective set of exercises that will add to your size in a matter of months". "simply Grasp your foreskin and stretch it over your foot and then extend your leg to it is horizontal...Do this 800 times a day and I can Promise you, in only seven months you will see Guaranteed growth and your Penis will drop off" "the ancient Indian Art of "Jesuwept", has been practiced by generations of deranged maniacs....Simply slam your Genitalia in between the bowl and the Toilet seat every two hours for the rest of your life....the key to a larger Endowment is pockets of fatty tissue that run the length of the shaft, don't mind the bleeding, it will stop eventually" All over the world Office bathrooms are filled with men in Cubicles engaging in one form of Genital torture or another because they are fuckwits. This is why there is never one free when you need a dump. ----------------------------------------------------------- Then we have the Measuring thing. It hasn't increased, it's just the Internet has made it more public. You know yourself....go in any forum or chat room and there is the profile with far too much detail. "I am a 6ft blonde male with a GSHO , I am Uncut and measure 8.35 Inches in length and 3.47 Inches in girth, when flaccid it is blah blah blah...." They are scientifically accurate, it's an obsession which plays on all male natural insecurities. These Fellows have taken a pair of Compasses and a Slide rule to the Bathroom. Unless you have a statistical breakdown of the exact dimensions of your penis in any weather conditions, you are simply not in the game at all folks. Of course it will inevitably reach it's logical conclusion. people will start putting On their CV's and introducing each other with the information. "yeah Robin, I'd like you to meet Clive Mason, he will be heading up the marketing on the Staysure Project Range" "Hi, I'm Clive , I graduated with First Class honours in Business studies, I'm married with three children and the old fella downstairs in a Healthy 7 Inches when erect, with a Width of 4 Inches at the widest point, it leans slightly to the left and tapers to a smooth head, nice to meet you" "hmm, impressive...nice to meet you, I however am a little larger......." ----------------------------------------------------------------- But of course it's all Absolute Bollocks...excuse the pun....oh there wasn't one, never mind. Now another cast iron fact is when measuring , men cheat... How familiar is this little Scenario. Right all set....tape - measure, check, mirror , check , let's get the old fellow ready...Ok Well technically I suppose I should measure from the Underside....just flatten stomach out....push those Jewels down a bit....Ok raise hips....Jam that tape measure end deep into the Pubic area to steal an extra half Inch, and I really should measure from the Bottom of my Balls to get an honest measurement.......WOOHOO......11 inches....Now I have a hernia. Also a Tip....Don't use one of those Sheet Metal Tape Measures, not unless you have a very steady hand. ----------------------------------------------------------------- So your Fella, now armed with his totally fraudulent measurement is rushing about looking at "average size". Now, I forget, I haven't checked for a while but last I heard it's "allegedly" somewhere between 5.5 and 6.5 inches, according to the Journal of "life crushing" facts. That's when measured correctly....from the Pelvis , along the top to the end. Not wrapped around your knee, plus as we chaps will know there are a variety of different erections. From the Lazy Lump that occurs when you are sat in a hot office looking at the crossed legs of the Personnel manager. To the Iron Hard bar that is saved for either when you really need to take a piss and have to practically snap it off, or when you are introduced unexpectedly to the Girlfriends Mother. So you are supposed to take an average of all these types to do the job properly....but you can forget that....It's best day , best performance and that's it Baby. Obvious delight is then called for when the lucky fella scrapes in as average....Average we can live with, Beast would be nice, but forget it, average will do. But, I am a sensitive guy. I'm a people person and I worry about other's Feelings and this Average shtick gives me pause for thought. You see, the way I see it is this. if the average is 6 inches, or what ever....what about Mr Love Muscle over there with his 12" pole. He's upping the bar a bit selfishly...so to balance him out, and put the average back to six...there's some poor bastard with an Acorn between his legs and a Constant supply of Voluminous swimwear to hide his shame. And it's him you have to pity. Old Billy Trouser snake won't care...his attitude will be "tough luck, I'm alright jack". But no...Not me, It's the other guy I worry about. And I'll tell you why. This is how stupid men are. You can be the kindest, most intelligent , mature, considerate, generous, wonderful father, be good to animals, love children, enjoy housework, cure cancer, always get your round in, love long walks and candlelit dinners, but be a great laugh as one of the Lads....you could be perfect in all respects. But you are stood in that Changing room..... Stood next to the Unemployed, inbred, wife beating alcoholic petty thief. and if he has a Colossal Dong, and you have Mr Shrimpy the Startled Prawn, all the idiots in there will be looking up to Cletus and your Qualities will count for nothing. This is how shallow we are ladies. ------------------------------------------------ "hey...Joel, that Guy in H Block is a child murdering , rapist piece of stool pigeon shit man, and he's going to fry on Friday" "yeah...but man, I caught him in the showers , he's hung like a moose, Dude" "really....Lucky bastard...I'd like to be in his shoes" ------------------------------------------------ Show me the Guy who wouldn't sell his soul for another two inches and I'll show you either a liar or a smugly self satisfied bastard. ------------------------------------------------- Which of Course brings me to the total fallacy of Pornography. Now a lot of Idiots will make the claim that it's " a lovers aid". Yeah Yeah.....of course it is....and masturbation is a purely healthy recreational activity and not Wanking into a Sock over an Underwear Catalogue. Men Don't want women watching Porn. This is why all porn is mainly aimed at men, and anything that looks like it's going to appeal to women...well quick turn it into Gay porn fast. Young Studly looking beefcake in his underwear, make sure he takes it in the ass to put the ladies off. Because at the end of the day, who is getting picked from the Line ups for the male role in the porno movie.....well it's not Mr Walnut Whip now is it...it's not even Mr "average". No it's some pumped up freak with a Length of hose between his legs. So your normal guy doesn't want to see his lady friend getting off on the sight of this bastard. Stood there, with the wife , looking down at the little soldier as she becomes entranced by the picture of a Guy with genital elephantiasis hammering away for a week. What the fuck do I do now? I'll mix some drinks and hide eh? Of course there is a counter argument that comes from Women. Oh it's Just a movie, I'll never look like the girls in those Videos either. Yeah, I know that...but I have a women here...she's not drugged and she is willing to have sex with me, I really don't care what she looks like, these chances don't come along that often. But we know other men....We know that if the Girlfriend decided she wanted to find out what it was like with a well hung guy, it wouldn't matter if she resembled a bin liner full of shit. Find the Guy...buy him a drink and Bingo....it's chocks away , even if it's only in a doorway....because we are Morons. The Normal Joe wants to get hold of a girl like a Porn Star....It's get the Rape van ready , stock up on masking tape and dig the wig and false beard out. Think about it. Teenage Virgins....why the big fantasy....Because if the lass in question has never had sex before you are still in with a chance of tricking her into thinking the 4inch caterpillar of ecstasy, is a force to be reckoned with. Why does Most lesbian porn either end up with a Guy "finding them by accident", or the introduction of Rubber Boners? Because if they are going to have all that fun on their own , where does that leave us...well frankly, given medical science advances into test tube babies....Fucked. Destined to spend the rest of our lives in sterile rooms wanking into Jars. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Now some may believe I am exaggerating about this, but I'm really not. Every waking hour in a mans life is spent in the ceaseless search for validation that his Tackle is not going to be a laughing stock if a surprise endowment census was called. I remember many years ago my sister said something stupid. She was young and it is slightly lifted out of context but the crux of it was. "Racism was Because Jimi Hendrix had a huge Knob" Now what she meant was .....he suffered racism because of the size of his tackle. Which is obviously not true, and I thought..."yeah , hundreds of years of racial Bigotry boiled down to Genital Envy" But out of the Mouth of Babes and all that. You spend five minutes on the Internet and it's covered in ordinary blokes taking laughable close up pictures of their Genitals and putting them on Display. "would you like to see my Dick" I'm a guy..... Yeah but....is it you know....normal. Who amongst us hasn't seen the comments beneath pictures of someone's Johnson, especially from Women and gone "oh Shit" "it's like a penis, only smaller!" The Flight of fancy when you are watching porn and try to convince yourself...."yeah...I'm about his size too,....oh hang on he's banging a midget, fuck" There is a story that Due to taunting by his Wife Zelda, Scott Fitzgerald once whipped out the schlong and asked Ernest Hemmingway if it was normal sized. ------------------------------ See it proves that it's not a modern affliction. There is a line from One of the classical Greek Philosophers, I forget who, possibly Aristotle and the gist of it is attempting to prove that well endowed men are less fertile. The Reasoning was....because the Sperm has further to travel...It cools and is therefore not as potent. So you have this delightful vision of a beardy guy in a robe wasting his vast intellect on trying to Justify to his Wife that Dimitri the Pool Cleaner may have a big cock, but he's shooting blanks. No wonder they all went around jumping into Volcano's and Drinking Hemlock...That's what happens when your latest theorem categorically Proves that Size Does Matter. --------------------------------------------------------------- So what's been the point.... Absolutely nothing, but if a Guy you know reads this and even cracks a smile, you will know for sure he's been busted. it's late now....the Voddy's gone and they will be dragging me off to the Dungeons for a total debriefing any minute. But at least I got to tell the truth. Oh, and the last question, how big is the Tackle of George? Well obviously it's massive isn't it. House of Spam - Perkins....No it's not a job I will require help with...leave the ruler.
P.S. -- Pissed with the world? Agree with this rant and want to vent your own spleen? Come and join the rest of us in the Just Ram It Rants Forum! Maybe your rant may even make it on to the front page! Click here for the forum Also heres an email address for you to bitch and moan to - Email JRI

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