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IT is supposed to be the definitive job sector to be in; Good pay, easy work, good hours.
Yeah fucking right! Maybe the 2nd one is true, and the pay is good if you happen to be a SAP developer (which is a licence to print money, damn them!) but the rest is total garbage.
Good hours, this is clearly not the case. If I worked good hours I’d still be running “Monkey on Toast”, but you know the worst thing about working in IT? It’s the fucking cunting users.
Some say it’s my fault for getting into this career, much the same way those who believe our firemen don’t deserve any extra money for risking their lives day in day out because they knew the job was dangerous when they took it on.
But I’m finally reaching breaking point, where I will either descend into hiding away in a corner, blubbing like a bitch or (and this is my personal favourite), going totally fucking postal.
Working in IT for a non IT related firm has got to be the worst fucking move. It’s not the stress of the job, or the volume of work, that’s water off a ducks back. No, it’s the total fuckwittery of the users who seem to get lazier and dumber by the day.
Now that the weather is all nice and hot, that obviously brings out the retards from under the rocks, as silly season starts.
This week alone I’ve had endless conversations with people thicker than a rhino’s foreskin, who seem so inept, I honestly cannot understand how they have a job in the first place.
The result of a routine e-mail asking users to click a link which installs a necessary patch was the usual, “How do I run this?”, despite the fact that this is as I said, routine. It happens almost every week that we update something here, tinker something there. These people should be used to it by now; it’s clearly not rocket science.
One petulant fucker (who I hate with all my might) gets on the phone, acting like a twatting telephone terrorist:
Me: “Hello”
Him: “It’s not working, doesn’t bloody work, it won’t go”
M: “Oh, morning to you too. What is ‘it’?”
H: “That thing you sent out, it doesn’t work”
And so on… “IT” being the word to describe anything, ever. Come back to me when you (a) Have some fucking manners and (b) Have gained the literal and aural skills of a real adult.
This user cannot install a patch, update or application. He just cannot do it. He’s not technically minded you see. It’s not his job to click a link and select “Open” and press next a few times.
He is however, capable of installing Real Player and streaming music over the Internet.
See, he is capable of installing some software and clicking a few buttons. But it’s the sheer laziness of it all. Because he doesn’t work in IT, installing software that isn’t for his own PERSONAL pleasure isn’t his job.
We’ll see how he likes it when hits to www.fatgirls.com start to appear against his username on the proxy server, and his Internet Explorer cache is jammed full of dodgy pictures. And oops, I let it slip to the big boss man. Yes, test me you cunt, I’m an evil bastard and you will pay the price.
But, the coup de grace to being an IT Monkey is the fact that everyone thinks they can pick your brains and use you as a personal support service. For free.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m usually a helpful chap and if someone wants some advice I’ll happily dispense some, along with some insults after they’ve left the room. But there comes a time when you just have to say no.
Someone asking me to recommend an ISP is one thing, asking me if I can have a look at their home computer for them is another. Sure, I’ll come and visit your home and take a look at your PC, for £50 an hour plus travel expenses. What’s that? Do I mind if you bring it into work for me to look at?
Yes, I do fucking mind, you monstrous dong. Believe it or not, I get paid to do work for the company. See how that works?
So, when you bring your PC into work and drop it off on my desk with a note saying, “It’s not working”, are you suggesting I have time to spare during the day? Check the fucking Time and Attendance system cheese balls; do I look like I keep normal fucking office hours?
And again, your literal skills leave a lot to be desired as the “It” word rears its ugly head for more non descript hilarity.
But you see dear readers, if you do decide to take time out during the day and fix said PC for the £10 or £20 they offered, you instantly become life-time support.
That small amount of cash they gave you automatically ties you into an invisible contract, and in 3 years time when the same PC lands on your desk again with a “It won’t e-mail” post-it note stuck to it, you will be expected to fix it, for free, because they paid you. Once. Three years ago.
What’s the fucking caper with thinking that because I’m an IT professional I am duly bound to help you? And the fact you are a senior manager or Director means I can’t say no does it? Well, I’ve got news for you, dog fiddler, I can say No and I will.
You earn shit loads of cash, spend it by taking your PC to a shop and getting someone who cares to look at it. See, it’s not hard. If your car’s not running right, do you take it to a garage? Well, you see, this is pretty much the same sort of thing.
I’m here to run the IT for the company, not for you to get free advice and your PC fixed because you couldn’t control your kids on the internet.
When I’m not getting any sex at home, do I come to you asking for a shot on your Mrs? No, I don’t.
Stop taking the piss… or the next time you bring your PC in, there’ll be some dodgy pictures put on it and oops, I’ll let slip to the police, your wife, your family……
MajicM – A man on the edge.
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