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Drum roll please you slack jawed pensioner , we only employed you because you were cheap.
welcome to the Just Ram It Cock of the year awards results.
This years ceremony was a dazzling affair with stars and their pathetic hangers-on flocking to the Gala Bingo Hall in Wednesbury in attempt to get drunk on our dollar.
Little did they realise it was a cash bar and we had them all searched on arrival for recreational drugs by a team of violent offenders and split the resulting Coke haul 60/40.
Mwahahha Fuck em.
The video of the retrieval of three grams of crack from an unnamed Eastenders actress , who had stashed it in her anus is available by mail order for £10.99 , simply send us a confidential e-mail titled "Michelle Ryan's Asscrack" and your credit card details. Allow , ooh weeks for delivery.
Despite these minor indignities a good night was had by all what with the wine flowing , the sub standard day old Buffet and the sponsored "kick Dean Gaffney for fun" stall.
Here's those results in full.
Male Celebrity cock of the year
Always a tightly fought battle for this prestigious award , so many to choose from , so few winners.
Nominations were -
Jamie Oliver - fat lipped celebrity chef and professional scooter twat , for his sterling work in bothering to exist.
Garry Bushell - Hardy perennial and regular attendee of the COTY awards , generally doesn't leave empty handed - good old fat impotent racist.
Jeffery Archer - over privileged ponce , sadly not nearly gang raped enough during his stay in a luxurious holiday camp masquerading as a prison. Proof enough that even the nations criminals shun this fucker.
Chris Evans - Ohh you unemployed spoilt ginger twat , lost millions of pounds and pretending it doesn't bother you and you don't weep yourself to sleep every night. "don't forget your Big Issue Chris" , speccy cock.
Richard Littlejohn - ahhh dear Dickie , mouthpiece of the far right and not at all obsessed with the sight of grown men thrusting , pounding their hard glistening man meat into each other in wild abandon , and certainly not going to mention , filthy filthy man on man fellatio in every,gushing come, crappy article , spurting freely, he bothers to write.
We are proud to announce this years winner , despite stiff competition is Richard Littlecock.
(brief highlights of RL's acceptance speech)
I am proud , standing here proud , proud my father was an Englishman and proud and upright in my erection at the sight of so many lovely young men...err and women , but my fellow men , Aryan men, strong and lithe and using the glory hole in the men's toilets right now to pass on their fluids in a nazi way....
Many thanks you neo fascist hack.
Female Strap on cock of the year.
To show the lovely ladies that they too can be rewarded for behaving like screeching harpies as well.
Julie Burchill - Fat, unfunny bitter old hag with a laughable squeaky voice and no idea what she is talking about. Welcome back after missing out so closely last year Jules.
The stupid American girl off Eastenders who our researchers couldn't be bothered to find the name of. - three words dear , LEARN TO ACT. Never in the entire ocean of shitty performance that is soap has the dredging turned up anyone as laughable as you , that accent is technically worse than Tim Roth's accent in Reservoir Dogs when he sounded like Kermit.
Cherie Blair - Letter box mouthed Mekon Look-alike who as well as being a property fraudster has managed to grab every freebie holiday or gift that she could get her shovel like hands on - plus extra points for making a show of us all yet again in china. "when I get older stretching my mouth , like some kind of toad".
Amanda Holden - Vapid little troll who automatically gets a nomination for wanting to sleep with Neil Morrissey and Les Dennis when not under the influence of heavy sedatives. Add to that her general sluttish behaviour and her lack of talent and she is a strong contender , oh and she's obviously a hopeless gold digger to boot.
Clare Sweeney - Aggggh , loathsome bint , her work in Brookside was so bad it deserves a special Ram It award of it's own but now she seems to think she is some kind of fucking singer to boot. like to replace her kneecaps with live scorpions damn her all to hell. and she's a bloody scouser.
The winner , (this award sponsored by "yes I can still go windsurfing or lie on the sofa moaning, Jam Rags) goes to Julie Burchill.
(Julie - 73, based in Brighton is waddling to the stage as we speak , viewers of a particularly nervous disposition should duck and cover now)
(helium voice) M e , Julie Burchill , I am wonderful, my father was working class and I used to be thin , my genius as a writer is in the way I can be so shocking and yet .....
Trap Door activated.
I'm sure you'll agree that yet more evidence of why we should all punch Julie Burchill whenever we can.
a quick rundown of the other awards.
International Cock Of the Year - Runaway victor and air headed WarMonger George Bush.
Best Female Newcomer - Jade Goody , Walrus faced monster , clubbed to death live on air as part of our Sky Sports sponsorship
Best Male Newcomer - Anakin Skywalker - we refuse to use his real name as he is clearly a child born of Beverly Callard and a sturdy piece of MDF.
would rather eat the contents of a litter tray than meet award - Naomi Campbell , amazingly stupider than you imagined.
Fuckwit Sitcom Lifetime achievement award in not being funny ever - Carla "im a robbin scouser me aren't we wry and philosophical as we take your hubcaps" Lane. Also took the evil evil evil bitch award as well.
Fat Racist TV critic of the year - Garry Bushell (8th straight year)
International Idiot TV star of the year - Kim Bauer - the bit of Nubile totty on The otherwise Rocking 24 who manages to get in more scrapes than a slutty Penelope Pitstop drunk in Ibiza. - Actually spent one episode with her foot caught in a bear trap and when told to keep something a secret and totally confidential achieved this by telling everyone she meets.
Award at the end to patronise the foreigners - Uri Gellar , for just lying all the time.
Finally as we ushered through the evening as quickly as we could in order to get to the bar we spent a few moments to honour our Cock On the Block Lifetime achievement award.
Presented By Michael Winner , last years winner who would shit his pants on television if it meant he could get some publicity, we are proud to announce the latest recipient of this great honour Mr Peter "pederast " Stringfellow
a rousing chorus of Boos and bloodied livestock greeted Mr Stringfellow as he arrived on stage shaking his luxurious yet ridiculous mane.
"ladies and Gentlemen , we are proud to announce that due to service to being a cock above and beyond the call of Duty we have decided to honour Peter Stringfellow.
Peter, 106 of no fixed abode has been a real eye-opener in terms of going around looking like a complete prick , known nationally as either "Britain's most notorious playboy superstar" or "a cunt due a right good Kicking" , Mr Stringfellow has molested blonde underage strippers when ever the opportunity has arisen.
He has opened a string of night clubs on both sides of the Atlantic dedicated to over priced flat champagne , seedy middle aged lust and rubbish cocaine.
His leathery perma tan and appalling hair are bywords for Shitbag and his ceaseless campaign for totally Nude dancing surely illustrate his dedication to cheap tacky publicity and childish attempts at shock.
We all swooned in awe as he launched a women's perfume last year called "lapdancer" which managed to incorporate the haunting mixture of scents and aromas which hang so seductively in the air , smoke and vomit and sweaty G-strings mix delightfully with the pungent taste of smegma and drunk accounts receivable clerk on a Christmas do.
We at Just Ram It would like to say thank you Peter , thank you for the freshly whitened teeth and the fact your face looks like a distressed Zelda from Terrahawks.
We wish you the very best in what ever scheme your addled senile brain comes up with next especially if it is an elaborate suicide plan
And we pray , pray for whichever shitbrained trollop falls for your cheesy charms and has to put up with being groped by your bony cadaverous fingers.
Just Ram It.
Peters Acceptance speech was cut short by a well administered fork to the throat.
Now get out the lot of you , we only have the room booked till 10.
Ram IT
Want more?
Haven't had your fill of awards mania , well stay tuned , coming soon all the backstage Gossip and the exclusive Photos of the event.
Keep it Here , Make it Ram It.
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