House of Spam – We Care

Hello.

Now here at House of Spam we are, of course, renowned for our innovative ideas, far reaching R&D and never ever ever finishing anything we start or starting anything we say we are going to do.

That’s why we are internationally famous in my mind, and you are negligible and reek vaguely of damp.

However, it’s all well and good being a ground breaking blue chip company in my mind, who have a large office block called Ram it towers that doesn’t exist, but every once in a while it’s vital that we shock life back into the market by announcing exciting and scintillating developments that will simply revolutionise just about everything ever.
So we can ensure once more that people can be safe in the knowledge that no matter how long this post is, we will not finish what we have started.

In many ways it is a burden to be this cutting edge, especially in the dynamic twin markets of not finishing things, and excruciatingly disjointed paragraphs about absolutely nothing that serve as irritating preambles to getting to the point.

We adopt a scientific approach to such matters, for example a less annoying poster would have totally deleted this bit of text and cut to the chase. That however is not for us, no, not while there is still valuable space in which to refer to yourself in the third person and irritate….we have Lab test results that illustrate that just by using these extra lines, posts can be 60-70% more unreadable and skimmed.

That’s what we are all about.

I digress.

Ponder this question…How many times have you heard someone say something along the lines of….

“Here’s 20p, why don’t you use it to call someone who gives a fuck?”

Often?…never?…if it’s never that’s really going to interfere with the whole premise of the post, so as a favour to me just pretend it’s Often and keep your mouth shut.. Ok?

Well we have an answer to that sizzling put down.

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NEW FROM HOUSE OF SPAM.

Don’t feel isolated, hated or alone any longer….no more will you think that no-one on the face of the entire planet is remotely interested in your tedious complaining or coma inducing anecdotes.

Welcome to the only Phone number you will ever need.

0909 432 9978

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0909 – G1VE – AFUCK

That’s right…an exclusive 24 hour, seven day a week hotline from House of Spam, that will put you in touch with people who GIVE A FUCK, about what you are carping on about in your nasal reedy voice.

Modern life is all too often a dizzying whirl of obligations, pressing deadlines, power hats, shitting and humiliating social faux pas, which may or may not involve misplaced and poorly timed shitting incidents….often we don’t have time to just sit back, perhaps on the patio, look at the stars and smell coffee…….dude.

That’s modern life for you…don’t blame me, you wanted the high definition television and Gym membership, you craved the designer womb, wife with an eating disorder and gaggle of vacuous friends whom you bitch about in the taxi on the way home.

I didn’t force them on you….you made your bed, now lie in it…lie in it..pick up your stupidly overpriced blue tooth vibrating jizz phone, the one that Asian lad with too much gel in his hair bullied you into buying at a regional branch of T-Mobile, when you were trying to avoid going into H&M with the Girlfriend again….

Pick it up and call people who GIVE A FUCK, about your footling concerns, job dissatisfaction or asinine story about what, “Jez did last week outside Legs Eleven with that Blonde bint who was having a violent fitting reaction to some Cheap E,”, while you stood about in the street drinking 8 quid bottles of pissy lager, in your pastel V necked sweater and ripped designer jeans with your new tribal tattoo on your bicep, you smug self satisfied, sack of fucking spunk.

Yes, on a GIVE A FUCK line, you can be sure to find a friendly voice who will always GIVE A FUCK, about the mundane intolerable bullshit you call your life.

Whether you want a monosyllabic grunt that indicates someone is at least listening, or you require a creepily attentive middle aged shut in who thinks every banal word you utter is worthy of a excited gasp and “really?…no Really?”….we have something for you via our difficult to negotiate and needlessly time consuming, touch tone menu options system…..you vapid cocksucker.

Really…we GIVE A FUCK.

Did you and your fat necked husband have a minuscule domestic tiff this morning over the whereabouts of the Car keys?

Don’t waste your time regaling an increasingly agitated group of colleagues about it, who only came in to get something out of the communal fridge and want you to catch fire more and more, as every second passes…no, spare them…call 0909 – G1VE – AFUCK, where one of our trained and sedated operators can skilfully feign interest.

Did a supplier fail to deliver a non-essential piece of dull engine block equipment at the exact moment you pompously insisted upon?…Really, why drone on and on and on and on about it to the suicidal rather edgy bloke at the desk nearby who is exactly one more story away, from driving a Biro through your eye and slamming your head in a filing cabinet…Instead call 0909 – G1VE – AFUCK, where someone we pay less than minimum wage and give Ketamine to, can say “yeah”, while they watch the Jeremy Kyle show.

Do you feel the need to speak to someone at 2.30 in the fucking morning, because you have lived your entire life like a self centred, shallow ungrateful twat, and due to your incredibly low IQ have still not worked out that this is the exact reason why you are in your late 30’s and alone and have had too much Cabernet Sauvignon?….Don’t call me…really…don’t fucking call me…I’m asleep and when i say..”no it’s fine you didn’t wake me”, i am lying through my gritted teeth.

No Call 0909 – G1VE – AFUCK, where you can talk to a recorded message stored on a server in an office on an industrial estate in Fradley, calls cost £1.50 a minute and eventually terminate in Guyana , you gullible fuck-slot.

Remember no conversation is too petty or puerile for us to turn away, because we GIVE A FUCK, we really do relish the excruciating day to day minutiae of your insipid little life and every hapless brain spasm that you call a notion is to be cherished and discreetly added to your itemised monthly bill, because we GIVE A FUCK.

In fact should you call the GIVE A FUCK helpline and think that for some reason we do not GIVE enough of a FUCK about your late night concerns over a suspected testicle lump, or your very real suspicion that Darren might be seeing someone else behind your back,
Simply call 0909 – RLY-GIVINGAFUCK and leave a message on the answer phone, which is full and never listened to, so we can investigate your terrible lack of ANYONE GIVING A FUCK, and never ever refund the 14 Quid we have just swindled out of you……go whine to Watchdog we have left the country.

Also , coming soon when we have registered and set it up, which we are doing..right now, so don’t nick it you fuckers, please log onto the website Www.wegiveafuck.com , where teams of helpful Spam Bots will give you the misguided impression that they GIVE A FUCK and you are a valued member of a thriving internet community, who care.

Simply fill in the easy on-line registration forms including your Credit Card details and once we have validated their accuracy by purchasing things off Amazon, you will receive an E-mail from the GIVE A FUCK team which will allow you access to a forum full of other people who only want to talk about themselves.

Remember..our motto is…..We give a fuck.

Enjoy the Hold music.